I was in so much pain today I literally collapsed: we're not talking just fell; no, I was lying on the ground with my eyes closed. It must have looked pretty dramatic, because "John" thought I was dead or unconscious or something and started yelling for help, at which point I opened my eyes and spoke just enough to let him know I was conscious. I could tell he was pretty scared; sorry about that, "John"!
In that kind of pain, I literally cannot respond to anything. I can process everything going on around me perfectly as normal. I know who is speaking to me, what they are saying, and how I am supposed to respond; my sense of humor has not changed and I laugh (on the inside) just as easily; I see and remember everything I normally would. But I do not have the energy to respond to people. I cannot talk or smile or even look at people without tremendous effort. I am pretty much just stuck, trapped inside a body that cannot move and will not respond to the world.
Furthermore, I cannot trust any of the messages I get from my body in that state. I cannot know whether I am hungry or thirsty, cold or hot, in or out of pain; about the only thing I can be sure of is whether or not I have to go to the bathroom, and responding to that one requires walking down the hall, which I cannot do when I feel like that.
I understand that this afternoon was scary for my friends. But picture how much scarier it must have been for me.
In future, for those of you who want to reach me through that kind of pain should I end up there again (I am certainly not insisting or even encouraging you to go out of your way to do so, but I could tell people were trying today and really wanted to reach out to me), here's how. (Again, this is for the kind of pain where I can't even move my eyes to look at you.)
GENTLY, very GENTLY, touch me and say something. Move into my current line of vision so I can see you. Hugs are always welcome, but a lot of people talking/surrounding me at once is overwhelming when I'm feeling like that.
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Thank you for visiting my blog and leaving a message.
You are a very good writer. Hard to believe you are so young, yet can write so incredibly well. Reading this post, I was right there with you when you fell...have you considered writing for a periodical like Reader's Digest (wide circulation) or even writing a book to help others with RSD, and help the rest of us understand a little better?
susan
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