Favorite Foto Friday

OK, it's early, but I don't know if I'll have time later.

My theme for this week is boy friends. I do not at the moment have a boyfriend, but my best friend outside the family and my younger brother (who really is like another best friend) are both boys. I couldn't decide which one's picture to post, so I will post both.

First is a picture of "John" from our class trip to Charleston, SC last year. I took any number of pictures of him when he didn't know it, and when I asked him to turn around for a picture, this is what I got. I truly believe God is at work when we're together and he's looking out for me.

Second (only on this post, never in my heart) is my brother, "Leo". I remember holding him in my lap at the hospital on August 4, 1996...loving him as a baby...hating him as a toddler...fighting like cats and dogs because we were so angry at life and then turning around and comforting each other...laughing and playing and swimming together...this amazingly exuberant, cheerful person challenges me to reach new heights..."Leo", here's to you!

I looked, I did, but I couldn't find a picture of my older brother. "Isaac", I love you too!

Important Videos

I know I've posted this one before, bu tthis is what my life is like on aday like today. (Yes, I do know I have RND, not RSD. The only--repeat ONLY--difference is appearance of the skin: RSD patients experience dramatic color/temperature changes and/or swelling in the affected area, while RND patients do not. The type and intensity of pain are exactly the same.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CNX33BOpWBA&feature=channel_page

Also, the video that gets me through the tough times:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_iireUPFpI&feature=channel_page

Scary Place

I was hurting so, so much earlier today...there are no words in the English language for that kind of pain, except maybe (maybe) "F*ck dammit bloody f*ckin hell", which still only expresses roughly half of it. I hurt more than I ever had before by lunchtime...and for the rest of the afternoon, every time I thought it couldn't possibly get worse, it did...and all I could do was cry (publicly) and scream (privately) and hope against hope that a new day will dawn...

I'm feeling some better now, but it's a "false" better, sort of like the eye of a hurricane...tomorrow will be really bad again...the resurgence of the storm will be worse than ever.

Pray for me tonight,

1. That tomorrow may be a better day.
2. That I may achieve wisdom and peace in my life and with my situation,
3. That no matter what comes, I will be able to face it with the strength and dignity I, God, and my friends have come to expect of me.

Today was really, really hard.

P.S. A note about "If there's anything I ca ndo for you, let me know."/"What can we do for you?": Despite appearances to the contrary, this is actually not all that helpful. This statement, usually made when I'm hurting too much to think, requires me to come up with something for you to do. Offer specifics, such as

1. Help with my backpack/laptop
2. Doing my laundry
3. Bringing me meals
4. Helping clean my room
5. Running errands
6. Hugs, hugs, hugs.

These are all things I would appreciate help with, but (except for the hugs) too abstract for me to think of when I'm in the kind of pain where you offer to help.

This Road that I Walk

Sometimes I feel as though I--scratch that, I really do--walk a path of endless fire and darkness. Today I was hanging out in the bathroom (because the heating system is still down and there were space heaters in the bathroom), so I could see myself in the mirror pretty much any time I looked up. There was a moment when I was hurting a lot, and I glanced at my reflection and saw that my complexion was literally bright mustard yellow. (For those of you who don't know, horrible pain causes your complexion to change color [usually gray or yellow]...my dad judges how much my mom [she has a very similar syndrome] is hurting by what color her face is...bbut is has to be really bad pain.) At that moment, I fully realized how much pain I was in. My entire face contorted as the reality of the pain swept over me: my eyebrows rose so far there were several furrows in my forehead, my eyes popped out almost a quarter of an inch, and my mouth dropped open and stayed there. After a minute or two of that, I forced my face to smooth out as I told myself: "You cannot afford to realize how bad this is. If you realize how bad this is, you will collapse as soon as you get up...and you won't be able to function. Your schedule does not permit that. Continue denying the pain, NOW."

So I crept back under the comforting blanket of dissociation (not allowing oneself to fully feel pain), but still, 'twas very scary.

Just another pot hole on this endless road of life.

Clearing Up Misconceptions (Otherwise Entitled: Things that Make Me MAD!)

Without going into detail (because, after all, this blog chronicles my reactions to life, not my life itself), all the students of AHA had to stay off campus Thursday-Saturday. I spent Wednesday night, Thursday, and most of Friday with a lovely day student and her family, but she doesn't keep Kosher or observe Shabbat, so Friday afternoon I went over to the home of a very wonderful modern Orthodox family: "Jacob", "Leah", and their fourteen-month-old-daughter, "Dinah." (Yes, yes, obvious Biblical reference. I couldn't resist.)

I mostly had an excellent time there: "Leah" and I have a lot in common (she's youngish), and I had lots of fun playing with "Dinah." But a couple of sticky situations came up surrounding my pain, and I want to gripe about them.

When I say I do not need help: guess what? I really mean I do not need help. When I say I will tell you if I need help: guess what? This really means I will tell you if I need help. It does NOT mean you should stop asking for right then and then insist ten times that you help me pack up, when I say I don't need your help and can do it for myself. (The solution? You come with me and I'll pack up too fast for you to do any of it.) There are so many things I really cannot do for myself; beyond taking basic care of myself, I really cannot do any of the other things kids my age generally do when visiting other peoples' homes (dishes, meal prep, etc.). Is it really so hard for you to let me AT LEAST take care of my own things?

While we're on the topic...the other day I was hurting so much I literally crashed to fetal position on the floor in one fell swoop. Everyone was startled, and "Sasha" was laughing slightly. I smiled a bit, both because it was nice to be lying down and because the whole situation was so absurd there was nothing to do but laugh. But "Sasha", once she calmed down herself, looked at me and said skeptically, "Sarah, you're smiling..." as if by smiling I was cancelling my right to fall down, or proving that I was not in as much pain as I was showing. Um, excuse me? As my mother says, the fact that I have a sense of humor does not mean I'm not in pain. My humor is a survival tactic; it takes real work to see the funny side. That doesn't mean I'm not suffering.

Also, nice moment from last week: We were all in Liturgy class, and we were sitting in a circle on the floor singing. I was hurting a lot, so I crawled across the floor and curled up next to "John", every now and then reaching out to touch his leg because I needed to feel his presence and support. When I was capable of sitting up, I asked if I could hold his (very large, very strong) hand. He gave it to me and I grasped it; he looked at me quizzically and said, "You're clenching...is...this...?"

I responded, "Yeah, well, I'm hurting a lot. Tell me if I squeeze too hard."

"John" screwed up his face in a very expressive "are-you-crazy" look, and pointed out, "I'm tough."

So with his permission, I squeezed. I needed his support. I watche dhis fingers slowly uncurl, and paranoia set in as I wondered whether he really disliked holding my hand and giving me emotional support...whether he wasn't really as good a friend as I thought he was...whether he just wasn't interested in me...etc. But a minute and a half later: "OK, Sarah, I'm losing circulation."

Ha. Ha. Ha. I am IRON WOMAN!!! (OK, not really. But hey, who knew I was strong enough to squeeze a hand that huge so hard?)

What I am Wearing to Bed Tonight

AHA's geothermal energy system is down, meaning we have no heat. I thought it woul dbe amusing to preserve for posterity the amount of clothing I am wearing to bed, and listing it might help me figure out more ways to keep warm. Here goes:

1 pair of thick socks (I NEVER wear socks to bed)
1 pair long underwear bottoms
1 pair light weight pajama bottoms
2 pairs fleece pajama bottoms
2 fleece shirts
1 fleece nightshirt
2 sweatshirts
2-3 pairs of gloves
and:
1 comforter
2 blankets
(possibly, if I get really cold, a sleeping bag spread over the top)

Take Five

This is my biggest rule for living a happy life on the road you would like to be traveling. This method keeps me focused on who I am, where I am going, and what is important. I call it "Take Five", because it only takes five minutes.

"Take Five" has a religious (any religion) version and a secular version, both of which I've used at various points in my life.

"Take Five" The Religious Way
1. Make a list ahead of time, written or mental, of things you want to pray for. They can be anything you want, but remember, the pointof this is to get you relaxed and refocused on who and what you are and would like to be. Think carefully; these five minutes will be the most meaningful of your day.
2. Pray. Just start talking to God--that's all. Monologue for a while. Sometimes God will answer right then and there (you'll feel it); sometimes you'll see tangible results a day or two later; sometimes you'll just feel more relaxed. Consider any of the above an answer to your prayer.

"Take Five" The Secular Way
1. Focus on your inner self. Clear away all thoughts. I recommend learning self-hypnosis, but you can also just breathe deeply.
2. a. If you have studied self-hypnosis (I willnot post instructions here, but they're not hard to find), go into trance. Stay there for awhile. Enjoy yourself.
2. b. If you are not the hypnosis type, just close your eyes, breathe deeply, and empty your mind. Quiet your thoughts and enjoy the rare internal silence.
3. Open your eyes and just sit for awhile. Think about the trance or the silence (depending on whether you followed 2.a. or 2.b.). Consider what you have to do to make yourself feel more relaxed. Plan to eliminate clutter in your life. Think about who you are and who you want to be by the end of the next day. MAke the necessary preparations, physical and mental.

Neither of these methods takes more than five minutes. I try always to "Take Five" before I go to bed. (At the moment I favor the religious way, but this past summer I was really into the secular way.) NO matter what kind of day I've had, After "Take Five" I always go to sleep at peace with myslef and my world.

Holding It All Together

I just found out (late last night) that I did rather poorly on my last math test. That was partially because there were days when I was literally floating and too tired to study (those I cannot change), and partially because there were days when I was finally feeling better and didn't want to be studying when I could be having fun (those I must change).

It's kind of hard too keep it all together while you're in pain all the time.

The first things to go were my manners: I cried a lot and snapped at people. I got into therapy and fixed those.

Next to go were my relationships: I spent all my time with friends leaning on them with my pain. "John" started pulling away from me; I sensed it and asked him why; he told me, and I fixed that issue. My relationships are still up in the air: There are days in a row when I just don't have the energy to talk or interact much. But when I am feeling better, I have some pretty good friendships.

What's gone now? Now it's my homework. Now I need to pull that back together.

I wish I had the energy of a normal teen, so I wouldn't be always fixing something or grabbing at a loose end. I wish I had the energy of a normal teen, so my life weren't always falling down around my ears.

...I wish.

Winter Ball

Winter Ball was tonight, and I had a really good time. Everybody seemed to think I looked amazing: all the girls shrieked or swore when they saw me, and one boy in particular kept staring at me from across the room and then came over and complimented me for a full minute and a half. I "danced" using my rollator for several fast songs and actually danced (leaning on the boys) with specific people twice, once because the boy asked me to and once because it was a slow song and I grabbed a friend and told him to dance with me. No, I couldn't stay for as long as I wanted or dance as much as I would have liked while I was there; and yes, that makes me very sad and I might need to cry about it later; but overall I had a really good time.

Here is a picture "Margaret" took of me before the dance.

Perfect Faith (?)

OK, ordinarily I hate blog entries that wax poetic about God, but I am about to be the biggest hypocrite and post one myself. If you don't like this kind of post, feel free to skip it. In your shoes, especially if I did not agree with my religion/religious choices, I would agree with you.

Now then:

I have always said that Go dworks miracles for us every day if we only look around, find them, and grasp them. I decided I wanted to notice God's miracles for me, so I started practicing. As I've gotten more adept at it, I see them happening every day. Just today, there were two.

1. I was on my way home from school in more pain than I'd been in for a while, definitely a level of pain that caused me to collapse last time. I was limping heavily, very much favoring my right foot (which usually feels worse) and leaning on my left, although it was also in excruciating pain. I had no idea how I would find the courage to keep walking all the way home. So I started reciting psalms. I went all the way through the one that starts "The LORD is my shepherd" in Hebrew, all the way through the one that starts "I will lift up my eyes to the hills from whence comes my help" three times in Hebrew, all the way through "The LORD is my Shepherd" in English, all the way through a hymn entitled "Master of the Universe"/"אדון עולם" in Hebrew, part way through the Shema in Hebrew, and all the way through "The LORD is my Shepherd" (LOVE that psalm) in Hebrew again. By that time I was home and I could just collapse on my bed. Notice: I did not fall once on that walk, and I was feeling much better than I had expected to.

2. A new student arrived at our school tonight. I had been praying for days that I would be feeling good enough physically, and confident enough, to make a good impression on her, and I did! She really liked me. I could tell.

I still do not have perfect faith in the Orthodox Jewish sense of the word, nor do I aspire to. I do not believe the Torah came directly from God to Moses at Mount Sinai in its entirety, and I do believe that the text has changed slightly over time. I do not necessarily believe the stories in the Torah are historically accurate, although that does not necessarily mean they are not ture on a deeper, emotional level. Although followin gJewish law is easily one of my top five priorities, it is not the top one all the time.

But regardless of all that...

I am God's, and God is mine, and we walk hand in hand on this journey. I know that I am on the path God wants for me and He will hold my hand and baby me when I need it every step of the way.

This is my truth. It does not have to be yours, but for myself, I know this to be true.

New Blog

I have not been writing, really writing, for about six months now, but my "writer's block" recently came undone and is now spewing words. Give me a few minutes to create it, then go check out my profile for my new blog that will showcase my writings.

Delurking Day

So apparently two days ago was Blog Delurking Day. I missed it, but I am doing it now. All lurkers who read my blog but hav enever commented, welcome! Post here and let me know you exist.

"I'm just a kid, and life is a nightmare..."

[Title from "I'm Just a Kid" by Simple Plan]

I just feel so awful. I have never felt this bad for this long. Always before, I have managed decent sleep, meals, and schoolwork. Let's review where those three things stand now.

1. Last night was my fifth night in a row waking up at least three times due to pain. I'm never awake for more than ten minutes at a stretch, but it's annoying and lonely and leaves me so tired the next day! I'm finding ways to deal with it sort of, by going to bed a few minutes earlier and waking up a few minutes later each day, and lying down for about twenty minutes between lunch and class, but even so, my head regularly drops onto the table in class even when I manage to stay awake (teachers usually just let me put my head down), the shadows under my eyes have shadows of their own, and my memory is going crazy. The other night I came down the stairs after checking on my laundry and forgot where I was...it was like the world flipped upside down for a second and I had no context for who or what I was, what I'd been doing, where I had come from, where I was going...it fixed itself in a second or two, but it was disturbing.

2. Because I've been so tired and hadn't quite figurd out how to handle it yet, I didn't eat much last week...I forced myself to eat about half my normal amount (and I never eat much to begin with)...and it shows. I am not supposed to have a sharp, well-defined collarbone and hip bones, and my face is supposed to be rounder than it currently is. I'm nowhere close to starvation level or anything...I have friends who are built much thinner than this and they manage just fine. But the size 0 jeans, which two weeks ago were almost too tight to put on (as teen girl jeans should be), are now sagging below my butt and around my knees, and I can easily slip three fingers between me and the waistband. I am not designed to look this skinny.

3. As for schoolwork, I can barely bring myself to find the energy to work for an hour a night. I have gotten several B's in the past week. I have a Wellness test tomorrow, an Algebra test the next day, and an English essay due the day after that...and I will not do as well as I should be able to on any of them. I've already forgotten three quarters of the Algebra I learned last week.

So, in essence, I'm starting to resemble an emaciated panda bear or raccoon, and I'm struggling to pu tmy life back together as it crumbles into even smaller pieces than it was in by the end of last week. My school work is slipping, I can't go out and socialize in the evenings because by that time of day I just want to stay in my room where everything is soft and quiet, and every afternoon I come back to my dorm and scream like a wounded animal because I can't hold the pain in any longer.

I feel as though I entered one end of a dark tunnel as a fifteen year old and came out as a 25 year old. I have suffered too much for someone so young.

It's not fair.

Noteworthy Event

Even though today has been a bad day physically and I still feel awful, tonight I am happy, fulfilled, and at peace.

I thought it was worth writing down.

Also, 20 rockets from Gaza hit Israel today. The US house has officially passed a bill recognizing Israel's right to defned itself.

Israel Update

7 rockets and 2 mortars have hit Israel so far today. In 2008, 3278 rockets and mortars hit Israel.

Keep praying, everybody!

Trying and Failing to Stay Happy

I have spent my weekend trying to reinstate happiness and youth into my life. Last night I had a sleepover with "Margaret"; today I cleaned my room and did my laundry, and I'm planning to do the homework that's due tomorrow later tonight, but other than that, I have been recreating.

I finished a knitting project and started another one. I finished a book I started yesterday. I've been coloring, surfing the internet, and listening to my favorite music. What's the problem?

I'm tired! Under my eyes, my shadows have shadows! I've woken up four or five time a night, the past three nights, to fix my blankets: they keep sagging in the middle and I can't figure out how to fix that. Every night, before I get into bed, I try something new to fix the problem; every night they sag again. Last night I slept for six hours...and woke up three or four times. Once every two hours!!!

I'm so tired; all I want is a little bit of real sleep so I can gain some energy and strength back. I am so tired...just so tired...

EDITED: I need to go do my homework...I should go do my homework...

Check This Out!

I have been featured on another person's blog, with some very favorable comments. Finally, finally, my influence is affecting and inspiring others! Yay for dreams coming true! Go to www.blogofpain.com and read the entry entitled "A Normal Teenage Life, With Pain." (By the way, I'm not sure how this happened but they got my birthday wrong: it's not until February.)

I feel like my soul has aged twenty years this week. It is very hard to get yourself out of bed and looking presentable in the morning, and back into bed at night, while going to school each day and handing in all but one homework asignmen ton time, while forcing yourself to eat because you're so hungry your stomach hurts but the effort to put food in your mouth just doesn't seem worth it, while making sure you're minding your manners....all in unbearable amounts of pain that cause you to collapse several times a day. To navigate the world that way requires a kind of maturity most adults have not had to employ. As a result of the last week, I am in some ways a child no longer: something young in me has died.

Now...that being said, I need some fun in my life. "Margaret" and "Jan" are sleeping over in my room tonight, and I will not talk about pain. This may not work, but I am going to try my absolut ehardest to teach my soul to be young again!

Favorite Photo Friday

I've seen this on several other blogs, and I really like the idea. It is what it sounds like; you post a photo you like on your blog on Fridays. This is my favorite picture from the past week: a bright spot in the middle of the darkness, someone else making me happy.

FEELING BETTER

Wow...just wow. This morning was tough: I fell twice between first and second period, was too tired to keep my head up for very long, and was very, very scared. I forgot three very important patterns I have seen with my pain:

1. Exhaustion is directly proportional to pain.
2. Deep exhaustion lasts for an equal amount of time as the pain that caused it does.
3. The waves of exhaustion come AFTER the waves of pain.

All of which meant that the exhaustion was not a sign of worse pain to come: quite the opposite. I would start feeling better soon--and I did. Those two falls? Yeah, but they were my only ones today. I lay down for 25 minutes after lunch, which made me more awake for English class. I love English class, and I was awake enough to enjoy it, which gav eme an adrenaline rush that carried me through Liturgy class, Algebra tutoring (I just went this once to get help with an assignment), and visiting a friend who's sick in the health center. I came back and lay down for two hours, then ate dinner, and I think that's all the lying down (until bedtime of course) that I'll need to do today.

Tonight I ha dan actual appetite and wanted to eat for the first time in days...I'm awake enough to do my homework...I'm actually thinking about something other than pain. For the last two days my only three waking thoughts have been: "Oh, God, how I hurt!" "I'm sooo tired..." and "Shut up and do your homework anyway." Now, I am remembering moments with "John" and "Lucy" today; I'm researching international adoption (I have weird interests), and I'm planning how to spend my time after I finish my homework...because I actually have energy tonight! I think I'll start my homework in about fifteen minutes, finish that (I have about an hour's worth), knit and listen to music for the rest of study hall, and then maybe I'll go outside for ten minutes or so.

I am still hurting a lot and deeply drained and exhausted, but the difference is unbelievable. To recap:

1. I only fell twice today...big improvement over yesterday's six times and Tuesday's five.
2. I actually wanted to eat. (I still got hungry Tuesday and Wednesday, but had to force myself to do anything about it.)
3. I did not fall asleep or come close in any class today.
4. I have enough energy to do my homework and something else tonight besides.
5. I can think about something other than pain/exhaustion.

I cannot believe how awake I am, how clearly I am thinking, how little I hurt compared to the past couple days! I knew if I were patient I could ride this out.

Thanks for all your prayers, those who have been praying. Thank God for all His miracles.

Israel Update

25 rockets from Gaza yesterday. 25 rockets from Gaza today, including one that hit a school in Ashkelon. 3 rockets from the Hezbollah-controlled Lebanon into Northern Israel (!!!) today as well.

Also, the following link takes you to a website where you can send a letter to an IDF soldier or an Israeli citizen living in the warzone. All you have to do is type it in and click "send", and you can include your email address and a picture.

http://www.chabad.org/special/gazawar/letter.htm

Oh, how I hurt...

(Note: I am a legitimately strong person who does not like to complain unless people ask how I am. This blog, however, is my safe spot to gripe as I like.)

Oh, how I hurt...I hurt, I hurt, I hurt! I fell five times today, and five times yesterday. My average used to be five falls in a week; at the moment it's five falls in a day. I burn day and night, on and on...last night I slept just deeply enough, between midnight and 4:45 in the morning, to be conscious of the fact that I was sleeping and aware of pretty much every time I rolled over. I lay completely awake for half an hour after that, until 5:15 in the morning, when the pain finally calmed down enough for me to get to sleep for real...until I had to get up for school at 6:30. To recap: I am running today on one hour of real sleep plus four and three quarters hours of dozing. That is not a decent amount of sleep.

And I hurt like all bloody hell.

I don't like to ask for prayers, but if you wouldn't mind, please pray that I will feel better soon, as well as praying that I will have the courage and strength to walk God's chosen path for me, not matter what it holds.

Also: 11 more rockets hit Israel today, affecting 1 million Israelis who live in range of rocket fire. Please pray for them as well.

Bad Day

I thought this picture summed up my day better than words ever could:
Also, thank you so much "Jan" and "Eliana" for visiting me, and "Maya" for the new pair of socks. Thanks also to "John" and "Sasha" for walking me back from school, and "Nina" for getting me to my room...and into bed...and back into bed when I fell off the first time.

War in Gaza

I just need to get these feelings out somewhere, not on my friends who are having their own feelings...

I am beyond sorrowful that Israel had to go into Gaza on the ground. Not that it wasn't justified: 105 Qassam rockets fired into Israel in the last three days alone justifies war in my opinion. And I am beyond honored and proud to be part of a natoin that can and is willing to defend itself.

But. But. But!!!

A certain quote from former Israeli Prime Minister Golda Meir comes to mind: "We can forgive the Arabs for killing our children. We cannot forgive the Arabs for forcing us to kill their children. We will only hav epeace with the Arabs when they love thier children more than they hate us." I never understood that quote before. Now I do.

War is a tragedy. Period. People on both sides die; people on both sides suffer. Both sides lose great leaders, brave soldiers, little children full of potential, and "ordinary" men and women. I firmly believe that war is sometimes necessary. I believe that this is a necessary, justified, "good" war. But...it's just sad.

I pray for these victims, survivors, and their families--and for peace--every night. I've been crying for them at least once a day. There ar enever enough people to cry for war victims, especially the civilians. The tragedy of their deaths can never be fully expressed.

Another quote comes to mind, one which I'm tempted to attribute to Stalin, but I'm not sure: "One death is a tragedy...a million deaths is a statistic." Please, please, let's not allow the victims of this war...civilian or soldier, Arab or Israeli, male or female, child or adult...to become a statistic. Please.

Please remember.

Thankful...and Prayer Request (not for me)

I honestly think I have the most beautiful life right now...most of the time. First of all, the number of times people have saved my life, knowingly or otherwise...well, I am not posting names here, but there are four of you, and I bet two of you know who you are.

I have the most wonderful life...so full of creativity, richness, and joy. I sometimes feel like no one into whose life I step ever forgets I was there. My first and most powerfully lasting dream has come true...I genuinely make a difference in people's lives, just by being me.

I am pretty and smart and loving and creative and passionate and funny...and I finally know that, and these are all good things to be! People love me...I have so many friends...twelve friends...twelve real friends!!! My life is filled with creativity and wonder...I am usually working on one craft project, with two or three more in mind, while reading a book or two, while doing my homework, while finding time for friends! Well, OK, on a good day, or on break...not during most school weeks. Still, whenever I feel good enough, I have that wonderful life to go back to. Even on a bad day, I feel the love of my friends lifting me out of my sorrow, and I manage to keep up with my homework. Even on the worst days, I try to feel lucky and joyful...and sometimes I succeed.

I feel blessed!

Now, on a more somber note...please pray (if you pray) for the victims of Qassam rocket attacks in Israel, and their families. Six Qassam rockets hit as many towns just today. Please...if we all lift up our voices, maybe God will listen and stop this tragedy.

I believe in God.

Changes to this Blog

I am going to delete a lot of my most recent posts, and start keeping a private journal again. No one has offended me; no one is coercing me; this is entirely my own decision. It's just that this blog has gotten way too personal recently.

I will continue blogging relevant posts on the original topic: my pain, how I manage it, and the things that make me happy. I just feel uncomfortable with so many people following my struggles to triumph over my past. That is something I must do quietly, privately, in my own time.