Sometimes I feel as though I--scratch that, I really do--walk a path of endless fire and darkness. Today I was hanging out in the bathroom (because the heating system is still down and there were space heaters in the bathroom), so I could see myself in the mirror pretty much any time I looked up. There was a moment when I was hurting a lot, and I glanced at my reflection and saw that my complexion was literally bright mustard yellow. (For those of you who don't know, horrible pain causes your complexion to change color [usually gray or yellow]...my dad judges how much my mom [she has a very similar syndrome] is hurting by what color her face is...bbut is has to be really bad pain.) At that moment, I fully realized how much pain I was in. My entire face contorted as the reality of the pain swept over me: my eyebrows rose so far there were several furrows in my forehead, my eyes popped out almost a quarter of an inch, and my mouth dropped open and stayed there. After a minute or two of that, I forced my face to smooth out as I told myself: "You cannot afford to realize how bad this is. If you realize how bad this is, you will collapse as soon as you get up...and you won't be able to function. Your schedule does not permit that. Continue denying the pain, NOW."
So I crept back under the comforting blanket of dissociation (not allowing oneself to fully feel pain), but still, 'twas very scary.
Just another pot hole on this endless road of life.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment