"I'm just a kid, and life is a nightmare..."

[Title from "I'm Just a Kid" by Simple Plan]

I just feel so awful. I have never felt this bad for this long. Always before, I have managed decent sleep, meals, and schoolwork. Let's review where those three things stand now.

1. Last night was my fifth night in a row waking up at least three times due to pain. I'm never awake for more than ten minutes at a stretch, but it's annoying and lonely and leaves me so tired the next day! I'm finding ways to deal with it sort of, by going to bed a few minutes earlier and waking up a few minutes later each day, and lying down for about twenty minutes between lunch and class, but even so, my head regularly drops onto the table in class even when I manage to stay awake (teachers usually just let me put my head down), the shadows under my eyes have shadows of their own, and my memory is going crazy. The other night I came down the stairs after checking on my laundry and forgot where I was...it was like the world flipped upside down for a second and I had no context for who or what I was, what I'd been doing, where I had come from, where I was going...it fixed itself in a second or two, but it was disturbing.

2. Because I've been so tired and hadn't quite figurd out how to handle it yet, I didn't eat much last week...I forced myself to eat about half my normal amount (and I never eat much to begin with)...and it shows. I am not supposed to have a sharp, well-defined collarbone and hip bones, and my face is supposed to be rounder than it currently is. I'm nowhere close to starvation level or anything...I have friends who are built much thinner than this and they manage just fine. But the size 0 jeans, which two weeks ago were almost too tight to put on (as teen girl jeans should be), are now sagging below my butt and around my knees, and I can easily slip three fingers between me and the waistband. I am not designed to look this skinny.

3. As for schoolwork, I can barely bring myself to find the energy to work for an hour a night. I have gotten several B's in the past week. I have a Wellness test tomorrow, an Algebra test the next day, and an English essay due the day after that...and I will not do as well as I should be able to on any of them. I've already forgotten three quarters of the Algebra I learned last week.

So, in essence, I'm starting to resemble an emaciated panda bear or raccoon, and I'm struggling to pu tmy life back together as it crumbles into even smaller pieces than it was in by the end of last week. My school work is slipping, I can't go out and socialize in the evenings because by that time of day I just want to stay in my room where everything is soft and quiet, and every afternoon I come back to my dorm and scream like a wounded animal because I can't hold the pain in any longer.

I feel as though I entered one end of a dark tunnel as a fifteen year old and came out as a 25 year old. I have suffered too much for someone so young.

It's not fair.