"Would you rather..."

At some point, almost everyone asks themselves, or is asked, the following question: "What if I had (insert disability here)?" This can vary among teenagers as "Would you rather _________ or __________?"

For those of us who are already disabled in one way or another, that question becomes "Would I rather be/have (insert disability here) instead of what I'm already living with?" Over the past year, I've asked myself that question about many forms of disability; what follows are my answers.

1. Blind: No, absolutely not. Can you imagine how hard life would be without eyes, and all the beauty on which one would miss out in the world around one? No matter how bad my pain gets, I would always rather be in pain than blind. This also applies to vision impairments like color blindness.

2. Deaf: This one is a little harder to answer. One would still miss out on a lot, but in this day and age, I believe it is easier to cope with being deaf than with being blind. On most days, yes, I would rather be deaf than in pain.

3. Cancer: Yes. Absolutely. No question. It may seem weird, but I can completely honestly say, "I wish I had cancer." Everybody understands that cancer is devastating and that the patient is really sick even if you can't see anything; I don't often get that kind of empathy.

4. AIDS: No. I would not rather have AIDS. I don't like the idea that every little cold could kill me. This is inconsistent with my feelings about cancer, I know.

5. Paraplegic: Depends on the day. Today was goodish: I felt sort of halfway normal. Today I enjoyed slightly greater freedom than normal, and the thought of being paraplegic made me feel claustrophobic. However, four days or even two days ago, the answer would have been yes, I would rather be paraplegic.

6. Quadraplegic: No. I can't begin to imagine the level of pain that would make me wish for quadraplegia.

7. Amputation: For some reason, this is harder to contemplate than quardriplegia. But...nope, don't want this one either.

8. Cerebral Palsy: It would really depend on the level. I knew two little girls once with cerebral palsy; they did have an aid to help them with fine motor stuff, but otherwise functioned fairly normally. I've seen videos of severe cerebral palsy, though; on some level it's tragic. I don't even want to think about this one.

9. Mental Disability (Down's Syndrome, Mental Retardation, etc.): Yes. Yes, yes. Yes, I would rather be mentally disabled. Especially if I were born that way, if that were the only thing I had ever known, I think I could be very happy.

10. Psychiatric Illness: No. Never. Absolutely not. I'm very close to someone with bipolar disorder, and it is so scary for him. I would never want that; never. I don't want my brain to go wrong. I mean, yes, I know, it already has, but so far it's only caused physical pain.

11. Diabetes: Nope. Don't want that either. I can't imagine having to stick myself and draw my own blood so many times a day. No, thank you.

12. Hemophilia: I'm not sure, but I don't think I would want this one either. Maybe it wouldn't hurt me to move around, but I'd have to be so careful that I'd probably be even more limited than I am now.

13. The same syndrome in other areas of my body: These are the areas that I would rather have hurt, that would be easier to deal with than my feet, I think: knees, back, stomach, chest, neck. These are the areas that I feel very grateful are not hurting: hands, shoulders, head, groin. Everything else is open to question.

Hmm...that tallies to eight no's (blindness, AIDS, quadriplegia, amputation, cerebral palsy, psychiatric illness, diabetes, and hemophilia) and three yes's (deafness, cancer, and mental disability), and two that divide in half so I'm not counting them at all (paraplegia and RSD in other areas). I guess I'm fairly well off, if I can imagine eight worse scenarios.