Frightening

Life has a way of being frightening sometimes, you know? I don't know how to deal with increasing pain anymore. I'm tired of it getting worse and worse. I actually emailed my Dr. on Friday (OK, I emailed my mom, who forwarded my email to the nurse practitioner--I think--who said she would let the Dr. know) begging her to prescribe me something because I can't live like this forever. It takes a lot of pain for me to get to that point.

I'm tired of my feet burning, on and on and on. I'm tired of walking a path of endless fire. I'm tired of my hands burning if I use them too much, muscles tightening from lack of movement (not a symptom of RSD; lack of movement tends to do that to anyone), and my shoulders developing something weird from using the crutches. I'm tired of never feeling fully healthy, never not hurting, never being able to spontaneously go on a walk with friends...

And I'm scared because this keeps increasing. Not that every day is worse than the last--it's not that cut-and-dried--but average keeps getting worse. I just got my crutches in August; already, I hurt as much or more using them than I did without them before I got them. (Did that make sense? I know what I'm trying to say.) I'm considering a rollator (walker on wheels); I'm considering a wheelchair; I'm begging my Dr. for pain medication...something is very wrong here.

I want it to stop. I want it to reverse. I want to wake up and have it all have been a nightmare. I want it to go away. Where will it end??!!

(Also, I just want to thank all my wonderful friends. Thank you.)