Warning: Evil Amount of Venting

I don't normally write a post just to vent--or at least that's not my intention when I start--but this week has been so hard I just need to let it all out. This post will NOT be upbeat, I will NOT be focused on looking on the bright side, it will NOT contain any major life lessons, and it will NOT be inspirational. You've been warned.

That being said...

I had a really hard week this week. Three times the pain climbed unimaginably, meaning that even with the previous day's experiences (and therefore the capacity to imagine about 150% of that pain), I could not have imagined the pain I was in before I was in it. This means that on Friday afternoon, I was in nearly six times as much pain as I could have imagined Monday afternoon. I collapsed five times this week (bit excessive, even for me), spent all afternoon and evening, every afternoon and evening, lying in bed or sitting on my bed, missed a house activity last night because I was so exhausted, and had to cancel my plans for this morning so I coul dbe feeling good enough to clean my room later.

This whole week has just been a series of unfortunate events. Last weekend was my emergency-run-to-Target weekend...and I was also trying to wean myself off my medication...and I also decided to vacuum my room because I was feeling so good. Well, fine, except feeling good is temporary, and by Tuesday morning I felt awful (or at least I thought I felt awful). Then we had a fire drill. Wednesday morning, we had a lockdown drill; I was in the gym and went down the stairs because I was taking the drill seriously and thought the elevator would be too slow. That night we had another lockdown drill.

On Friday, I was actually doing OK, or at least OK compared to where I thought I was going to be. Then "Sasha" kicked me in the foot. It was completely accidental, she was ridiculously apologetic, and I was not angry with her; it honestly never even entered my head to be angry with her. But she had connected solidly where the middle of my arch would be if I had arches, on my bad foot. (No, I don't really have a good foot, but one is worse than the other.) By the end of that class, I was in more pain than I knew it was possible to be in.

I started walking home, and managed to get down the hall, down the elevator, down the hall, out the door, and about ten steps down the path. Then I collapsed. I stood up, walked down the path, and called to "Margaret" to come walk with me. We had just started walking when I collapsed again. She had been on the phone with her brother; she hung up the phone, turned to me, and said, "I have an idea. Let's go home." She picked me up and put me on her back and carried me home: or rather, she carried me, my rollator, both backpacks and both laptops home. I think it totals about 200 pounds.

When we got back to my room, I couldn't hold in the pain any longer and I started screaming and crying hysterically. "Margaret" sat on my bed with me and held me until I quieted down. Then I started getting ready for Shabbat; we agreed that I would not go to services, and "Margaret" would carry me to dinner when the time came.

I did manage to make it up to candle-lighting in the Dining Hall. Afterward, "Margaret" said to me, "We're taking you back," and picked me up and carried me to my room. I had intended to read, but I must have dozed off, because the next thing I knew "Margaret" was standing in my doorway saying, "So you DID go to sleep..." and she picked me up and carried me to dinner.

By the middle of dinner, the pain had decreased, but I was completely enervated and needed to go back to my room. "Margaret" lifted me up and put me on her back and carried me out. It was cold outside; ordinarily that's not cause for panic but that night it was too much on top of everything else. I spent the who ewalk back whining, "I'm cold!" to which "Margaret" responded, "Just hold on tight to me."

When we got back to my room, "Margaret" held me for a while more (I give her major credit for this because she neither likes, nor understands my need for, physical affection), then helped me get ready for bed, carrying me to the bathroom and suchlike. I didn't actually fall asleep then; in fact, an hour later I got up and stayed up for about two and a half hours.

I think today will be a bit better than Friday, maybe like Wednesday or Thursday. Still, the whole last week has jus tbeen really scary, and I hate living this way!