More Miscellaneanisms

[Miscellaneanism, by the way, is on eof those awesome should-be-words. It's miscellaneous, but as a noun!]

People in chronic pain get very good at waiting. I someitmes feel like I do nothing but wait, from the moment I get up in the morning. I wait for my brain to turn on. I walk very slowly, so I'm constantly waiting to get from here to there. I wait for my friends to notice my pain and offer their help and comfort. I wait for the inevitable, hard-to-answer quesitons I get every day. I wait for my pain to climb, and then I wait for it to fall again. I wait for something I can smile (or hopefully, laugh) at. When sitting voluntarily, I wait until I have to get up; when sitting involuntarily, I wait until I'm able to get up. If I forget how to walk or breathe, I wait for my body to remember how to function again. I wait for the day to end so I can crawl back into bed. My days are overshadowed with waiting for my current doctor to respond to my current question or call with news on my current treatment.

I always post about feeling bad a day or two after I start feeling better. I just can't make words when I'm feeling bad, but I need to write about it.

Oh: conversation with "John" from the other day when I forgot how to walk:

“Come on, Sarah. Pick a chair. Which chair?”
“I can’t. You don’t understand. I can’t move!”
“Alright then, do you want me to bring a chair over here and wheel you over?”
[very small shrug]
[pause]
“Well, I’m going to do that, because I think that would be best.”
[chair arrives]
[very long three minutes in which I manage about two steps a minute]
[frozen again two steps from chair]
“Sit down, Sarah.”
“I’m trying!”
“But…you aren’t going anywhere.”
“I know!”
“Well, when you sit down, I’ll wheel you over.”

Also: Why I hate coaches:

“Sarah, you gotta start changing out and doing some stuff, kiddo.”
“I can’t.”
“You can do upper body stuff, yes you can.”
“Not today, I can’t, not feeling like this. I would if I could.”
“…”
“You have no idea how bad I feel.”
“There’s other people that feel bad too.”
“NOT LIKE THIS.”
“If you’re gonna argue with me, you need to see Ms. "Smith" [school counselor].”
“I already do, every week.”“OK, then I’ll send her an email. And this is the last time you raise your voice to me, you understand?”