"I'm gonna stop looking back, and start moving on, and learn how to face my fears..."...because it's not like I have any choice!

[First part of the title from a song by Rascal Flatts]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1Qn5rus4Gg&feature=channel_page

[The link is to a forgrace.org PSA about RSD and early intervention. Watch it. It's moving.]

Now for the actual blog entry:

I don't usually like the whole chronological-order-summary-of-my-day type of blog entry, preferring to just let my thoughts ramble. Today, however, was so downright bizarre that I have to summarize it because it cannot be explained.

I got out of bed at 6:45 this morning. As soon as I put my feet on the floor, I could tell it was going to be a really bad day. As I continued on with my morning routine, my worst fears were confirmed when I felt my feet start burning before I even left the dorm.

Then, in first period class, we had a lockdown drill. I was joking yesterday when I said I thought campus security planned drills to coincide with my worst days...now I'm convinced they have superpowers. Normally lockdown drills are no big deal; I crawl to the corner as everyone else runs there, sit and wait it out. Today, however, I was in the athletic center, and I had to go all the way down the stairs. This involves picking up my rollator, balancing it on my shoulder, and leaning heavily on the bannister. It didn't hurt as much as it should have...not at that moment...

By the time I made it to lunch, I was in more pain than I had ever been in before. My feet were burning in a wet way, as if they were melting and sweating too, or as if I were stepping on lava. After lunch, I started back to school with "Margaret" and "Jan". "Margaret" was in a hurry to get back, and I kept stopping to rest. I told "Margaret", "You won't have time to finish your homework if you walk with me."

"You gonna take half an hour to get back?"

"Probably."

"Maragret" turned to"Jan", handed her her laptop, and said, "Hold this." Then she picked me up on her back, wheeled my rollator over to "Jan", and said, "Hold this too." And then "Margaret" carried me back to the classroom building.

All I wanted when I got back was to lie down, so I spent fifteen minutes lying on a bench outside my next class. Five minutes before class, I started getting up. I had gotten as far as kneeling on the floor to put on my backpack when "Lucy" came by, saw me on the floor, and asked if I needed help. I think I muttered something, but it wasn't anything coherent, so she went and got "John" out of his classroom. He came over and said something, to which I didn't quite manage to answer anything. So he said, "What happened here? Why aren't you speaking?"

I managed to respond, "I...hear...you....I...can...process...you....But...I...cannot...respond...to...you."

"OK, well, you have to go to class."

"That's what I'm doing! I'm trying to go to class!"

So "John" went back to class, and I crawled into my next class. When I saw the teacher, I said, "I'm doing the best I can. I know it looks pathetic, but I'm trying."

I managed OK through that class and the next class, and asked "Lucy" to walk me back fom school because I didn't want to be alone. She did, and now I'm lying on my bed where I'll be for the next hour at least.

I do try not to lean on my friends too much with this. Today I leaned a lot on "John", "Jan", "Margaret", "Lucy", "Nina", and "Maya"; I figure leaning a lot on all six of them is better than leaning unimaginably on any one of them.

My life is depressing right now.