Crippling Pain

Things I can no longer do due to pain:

1. Run
2. Climb up/down stairs without banister
3. Stand for more than about five minutes
4. Sleep properly at night
5. Walk at normal speed
6. Do more than fifty jumping jacks (and by now probably a lot fewer)

This is getting to be truly disabling again.

How We Know I'm Not Doing Well

1. I have moved from pain I can describe in understandable terms (burning hot) into pain I can only describe using terms that make no sense (burning cold).

2. I wake up every morning feeling as tired as I did when I went to bed--or more.

Reaching Out for Human Contact

I need someone to comfort me tonight. My gain in pain has finally outstripped my learning curve regarding how to deal with it--and I don't know what to do. I am devastated. I hurt so much. I actually feel disabled today because it's so hard to convince myself to get up and move. Running is impossible; we had to during physical training (like PE) today and I just couldn't. Resting on my bed did not cause the pain to even remotely go away. I didn't sleep well last night and I am just worn out. (I will soon be starting a sleep med, even though my pain specialist disapproves, because I do need to protect my mental health and prevent another bipolar episode.) I need some human contact and comfort.

Nothing to Say...

...but I need to be heard so I am going to start typing, see what happens, and most likely post the results.

My pain really is getting worse by the day. I thought I was having a "good" day today...and then I started really walking somewhere for the first time since lunch...and I immediately knew it was no longer a "good" day. My courage and strength, however, are also building: however bad the pain the day before was, I wake up the next day able to tolerate slightly worse than that. As long as my strength gain keeps up with my pain gain, I'm good.

It's hard for me to deal with the fact that a boy in my class has leukemia at the same time as my being in pain. I don't really feel comfortable posting detailed feelings here (some of them could be taken the wrong way, and I don't want to risk it), but it's hard.

I was too tired to do more than an hour of reading for biology tonight...and I have mountains (almost four more chapters) of biology to read before the next test. I didn't do any homework at all during study hall yesterday because I was too upset over the boy in my class (I'll call him "Nate") and related issues, so now I'm behind.

So yeah...I'm tired, and I'm hurting, and I needed to vent. Thank you all for "listening".

Freaky

Remember the boy I mentioned, the one in the ICU? He's been diagnosed with Leukemia. Prayers, prayers, please!

Griping

I am really hurting a lot right now...enough to make me vocalize the pain (in private...only in private). There is a slice of my right foot that feels as if it has been cut off and is being burned. I had a day off from school today and barely did anything and I still feel like this. I am scared for tomorrow because I know it will hurt more, both because (short term) the more I do the more I hurt, and (long term) I didn't exercise enough today. On top of that, my classes have rolled over because the trimester changed, and I now have class with the one teacher I don't trust in the afternoon, when my pain is bad. Now I will have to work doubly hard to hide the pain.

Just going to say this once: OOoooowwwww...

Selfish? Needy?

Being in pain quite honestly turns me into a person I don't like. Ordinarily, I give a lot to the world: planning fundraisers, advocating for causes, and nurturing friends. I flatter myself that I am patient, loving, and giving under ordinary circumstances.

Not so much when I'm in pain. Short-tempered is a mild description of me when in pain. Often times, I almost literally bite my tongue because every little thing annoys me too much for me to trust my words. I do not have the energy to run big, "save-the-world" projects when I'm in pain, and so I cannot work to save lives that literally hang in the balance. Instead of being give and take, my relationships with my friends become them giving and me take-take-taking.

Although part of me knows I can't help this and it isn't my fault, another part of me feels guilty for taking so much more than I give.