An Experiment

I originally created Carried in His Hands (my religion blog) as a way to separate my religious life and my secular life so my readers would not have to weed through one or the other to find what they wanted. At this point, however, I am so wrapped up in religion that it IS my everyday life. Therefore, I am going to try only keeping up one blog, carriedinhishands.blogspot.com , and use it for everything. Please sign up to follow me there!

"My" Little Girl

(Please note that I am posting this on three of my blogs!)

A few of you may remember my commitment to be a prayer warrior for a sweet Russian girl with Down Syndrome who is living in an orphanage. The idea of the prayer warrior system is that each warrior is assigned a specific child for whom to pray every day. Due to life circumstances, I can no longer fulfill that commitment, but I am determined to find a new prayer warrior for "Erin." Just email laurie@reecesrainbow.org and ask to be "Erin's" prayer warrior.

You can see "Erin" by following this link and scrolling down:
http://reecesrainbow.org/category/waitingbycountry/russia/1region

Thank you so much!

My Silence Explained

You have probably noticed that I have been fairly quiet on here recently.

That is not because I am not in pain. I am.

It is not because I am not suffering. I am.

It is not because I am not scared. I definitely am.

But for some reason, blogging about all this does not seem as if it would help. Instead, I am maintaining a religious lifestyle, blogging about it over at carriedinhishands.blogspot.com, and enjoying myself. See you over there!

What's the Point?

What's the point of talking about pain? It won't make things any better. It won't make it go away.

What's the point of talking about pain? I will suffer whether or not I speak up.

What's the point of talking about pain?

People are listening. That is the point. I am not alone. That is the point.

And wow do I feel bad today. During physical therapy, I just about literally hurt everywhere. Even now, I get intermittent pains in my face radiating down my back and out into my arms. My feet are at about a steady five or six, and possibly getting worse.

And I have been on my doctor's waiting list for almost five months now.

I Feel Great!

I think I may have stopped hurting for a while earlier! It's hard to tell because the hypersensitivity is always there, and there is a very subtle difference between "I feel the carpet too much"and "The carpet hurts me". Nonetheless, I really think I was not hurting! My pain never got above a five today, not even during physical therapy, not even on my walk. I even walked around in the grass, just for fun! Why? How? Because RND is just that random...but in my favor for once!

"Silence"

Silence.

I am silent because I am exhausted. I have slept through the night exactly once since Thursday.

Silence.

I am silent because I am in pain. "Home base" is my feet, but my face is almost as bad. I also get random pains, of varying sensations, in many parts of my body, one at a time. They come and go at random, and quite often.

Silence.

Silence,

And a whispered,

"Oh, God."

Not Good...

I HAVE NOT BEEN DOING WELL. Not. Not not not.

I hurt all night, so I'm barely sleeping. My pain has gone all the way up to an eight during physical therapy. I have random body pains as well; sometimes they stab and sometimes they burn. One today was bad enough to make me say "Ow," out loud, on a public street. It takes a lot to make me do this. As I sit typing this up, my hands are hurting. My face also hurts when I walk too much.

I am not OK.

Lots of Pain

I've been in a lot of pain for the past couple days. I don't get it. I'm doing everything I can, everything I'm supposed to do except treadmilling (once my internship starts I won't have time to go to the gym), and still I hurt so much! Last night I had a dream about being in a lot of pain and screaming, and then I awakened. I have no idea whether I had actually felt that pain or not.

Urggggghhhh....

Updates

Sorry so long between posts. I have been dealing with betrayal by someone I thought was a friend. I must be rather cryptic on the Internet but suffice to say it's been difficult.

Last week my senior class at school went to Virginia Beach and I had an excellent time! We went surfing, shopping, and banana boating. Pain was roaring in the background the entire time, and I did have to talk about it some. It interferes with my memories of fun, but I am trying to hold onto them nonetheless.

I really have been in horrible pain the last couple of weeks. I just need to say that and have it registered.

Most excitingly, I graduated high school yesterday! I am done with high school! Wow!

"Sometimes in my tears I drown, but I never let it get me down.."

My pain is getting worse. Part of the problem is that I simply haven't been able to get into the weight room after school every day due to senior class activities. Still, I think the pain was getting worse even when I was going daily.

Function is basically unimpaired--I discovered the other day that I can, in fact, run--but, and in some ways worse, my thoughts have been invaded. I feel pain; I think pain; I am pain. This has to stop. It has to. It must.

Not OK

I am not OK right now. I have been hurting a lot. I am very tired. I have been having trouble sleeping at night. I fell asleep studying this afternoon.

Life is stressful right now, wrapping up senior year. Stress feeds pain feeds stress...etc.

Not good.

Quick Update

In response to a comment from Clojio:

I'm not sure if my pain is less severe or not. I don't really think it is. I am getting used to living with it though, and other interests have captured my attention. For instance, I have an internship with the local office of my congressman this summer! Sorry for the lack of posting.

Long and Painful Day

Today at school we had Israeli dance lessons in place of Hebrew classes. They were fun for approximately the first half. After that...painful. Long and painful. Then I went to physical therapy...painful. Long and painful. I did feel better for a little while after that, but now I am just Exhausted and Discouraged. Two more days until Spring break.

Tentative Good News

I really think physical therapy may be helping! My moments of full body pain on the treadmill have decreased: yesterday they did not happen at all and today they were shorter and less intense! I hurt less than I used to at the end of each day, and after therapy I feel GOOD for about half an hour to an hour. Small steps...but we're getting there!

Just Venting

My feet have been hurting a lot today. I mean a lot. Really a lot. I have also been experiencing stabbing and/or pressing headaches in random places on my head today. Also, it is now possible for up to five body parts to hurt at once, each with a different sensation. Grrr...

Physical Therapy

Today I had my first physical therapy appointment. The therapist (who had watched an instructional DVD provided by Dr. Sherry beforehand) did an excellent job abbreivating the Dr. Sherry program for an hour. It was painful, and I am still hurting, but I think (hope?) that I can feel a difference in the type of pain, and that this is the type that will improve. Does that make sense? It's really too soon to tell, I know, but still...I have hope.

Open Mic Night

Last night here at school we had open mic night. People signed up (some in advance, some on the spot) to read poetry, sing, and tell stories. I laughed so hard I cried, I heard some great original works, and I even recited two poems: on eby Lord Byron ("She Walks in Beauty") and one by me ("Conveniently Forgotten," previously known as "Untitled.") Great fun!

I am hypersensitive...

...physically. Not emotionally.

Today in class my teacher bounced a foam ball (FOAM! I told you I'm weird!) off the floor and it accidentallly hit my back. I yelled (some pain, mostly anger because I assumed it was deliberate) "OW! That hurt!" and the teacher thought I was overreacting. I had radiating pain up my back for two hours after that, and I'm still not sure it's back to normal.

I was NOT overreacting. I wasn't.

(And I just hit myself in the back to see if it was back to normal...yeah, and it's not.) :P

I Need Sleep

I. Need. Sleep.

As in NEED. As in NOW.

I want to wake up in the morning feeling rested rather than as if I hadn't slept at all. I want to be able to better control my emotional reactions, which I can only do when I am well-rested. I want the dark circles under my eyes to disappear instead of getting darker and darker as my face gets paler. I want to feel better again.

Hey God: Decent sleep, please.

Six more days until physical therapy.

Going Downhill...

I cannot honestly, 100 percent for sure say that the pain in my feet is getting worse every day, although it does seem to be. The intensity of other symptoms, however, definitely is. Symptoms I've experienced (not all in the same day) include feeling faint, sharp chest pain, random stabbing pains, random burning pains, shooting burning pains, and of course the ever-present foot pain. The overall discomfort level is increasing by the day.

Seven more days until physical therapy!